Third time! This time though, it's not as personal but a lot more complicated.
So I'm a big part of the Transformation/TF part of the fandom, a largely fetishized group with some very unique art. While I have yet to contribute, I have hit a small snag that bugs me. I knew this artist, we'll call them Carlos, who was a moderately decent artist with some glaring flaws and almost no following. He came across very abrasive and rash, which may have pushed people away. I got to know him and he was the same with me but seemed like a good guy. But then he dropped a major bomb. There's another artist in the TF world, let's say she's...Joan. So I met Joan first and she is CRAZY popular, bursting onto the scene of TF by saying she needed money for a pet's surgery. Her fame skyrocketed with her clean art and tfs, albeit more on dA than FA. And it was through her, or him, that they revealed themselves to be the same person. So this mediocre male artist created an account to be a female artist with sympathy fans, and the same kinda mediocre anatomically incorrect art, but had done so in such a way to build up a massive following. Through this lie they amassed tons of fans and money, and nobody knows about this other than me. This female persona had a very specific niche for tf, let's say she only did Foxes. And she was very strict about doing anything not fox related, and having a list of fox species for people to pay and pick for their tf. But then for some reason, perhaps nobody else wanted foxes, she bails on this and accepts all animals out of the blue. For no reason other than more money. Then his normal male account posts a journal about getting tired of doing tf and I respond, saying that they might lose some fans if they drop tf altogether, but then they get all defensive at me, saying I'm the reason they quit skype, saying that dirty art is impure and filth among other things. The journal also insulted the furry community, calling it an emo ridden group of losers and just a horrible journal of horrible hate. It was so vile...he was dwelling on the clean days of tf but everything is dirty, nothing is ever 100% clean. It's not like it just started becoming naughty in the last 2 months. Oddly, when we had chatted during skype and I expressed some disinterest in this person's affinity for chiptune and foxes, they freaked out at me. That may have been the downfall of our relationship. Then, I blocked the male account because I was sick of being harassed by this liar and manipulator...but then I should check my messages a few hours later and find a note from the female account asking to talk things out. I ignored the note for a day cause I didn't wanna bother, but then when I decide maybe to give it a shot, guess what? She/He had blocked ME now! Here's what she sent me: “So lets talk like actual adults before anonymity on the internet. Clearly you're upset, clearly I misspoke, a lot of it lacks context, and I think that lead to a lot of wacky insults and mudslinging. “So if you'd like to actually hear why I feel the way I do, with details, instead of assuming I'm a run of the mill miserite troll scapegoating a community that does not deserve it. “And hey perhaps you could convince me otherwise but either way our last discussion was clearly some old salt in the wounds. Lets say we can heal like logical reasonable human beings?” And so I can normally just block and remove a person from my life right? But this person works in the same vein of tf that I like and draw for, so every time I see their icon or name I just get knots in my stomach. I have a problem forgetting things and it's especially tough when I see their name everywhere. My final question is this; How can I move on and not be so bitter? Sure we both said some things, but the hastiness of the blocking and the inability to accept each other's opinions, but was it just a doomed friendship? Or is it just a moral sensor going off in my brain whenever I see the people she's/he's duped on their account praising this liar? Should I expose them? Clearly they won't leave the tf community when they have so much money coming in from selling out their ideals by taking other species, so I'm at a real crossroads. Thanks a lot Papa! From your favorite Malayan Civet (since I'm the only one in the fandom lol), Cassidy~! (age 17) * * * Hi, Cassidy, The Internet is such fertile ground for drama, isn’t it? And the online furry community is certainly no exception. Whenever I get a letter such as yours, Papabear listens to his gut, which always tells me one of two things: either there is more going on here than meets the eye, or I’m hungry. If I’m hungry, I eat, and then get back to the problem, which is this.... Carlos/Joan (hereafter CJ) has some serious issues going on with him/her. These are emotional and possibly psychological problems that you likely know nothing about. You only know what CJ posts and chats with you about, and that’s it. When something upsets CJ s/he lashes out and acts somewhat irrationally. Joan seems to be the slightly more rational side, while Carlos the more fiery, defensive, and angry side. CJ may be bipolar or have cyclothymia or bipolar disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Sufferers of these illnesses go from depressed states to high states to various degrees and frequencies depending on the type of problem. Another possibility is some form of autism, such as Asperger’s, which can cause someone to overreact or react inappropriately in social situations (and become hypersensitive to any kind of criticism). This would explain the reactions to comments about his/her TF work and about the TF art community in general. One of the more difficult interactions in any community is to express empathy and to show compassion and support to someone you just met online who appears to be a mean person. It’s hard because you can’t usually tell if they are that way because they are troubled or if they are just mean by nature. What Papabear usually tries to do (not always because some people are so unbalanced that I just hope they see a doctor, but I can’t afford the time to deal with their many problems), is first assume that someone is that way because they are unhappy. Then, instead of criticizing them, I ask them if they need a shoulder to lean on and a sympathetic ear. I certainly would not criticize something like their artistic skills and, instead, would encourage their desire to draw and express themselves (a very healthy activity). Even if they are poor artists now, with encouragement, they could improve. (If people criticized me harshly for my piano playing, I would be sad and would stop trying, but they are encouraging me and that is why I am slowly improving). I wouldn’t bother to “out” CJ as being duplicitous (and you’re probably incorrect in assuming you’re the only one who knows s/he has two online profiles). It’s not illegal and it’s really none of your business (are you jealous that Joan has seen some success because she is really Carlos? Perhaps Carlos is actually Joan? Who knows? Who cares?) Many artists get commissions, I’ve noticed, especially among furries, by pleading they need help financially for something. It’s a way of supporting people. Perhaps it’s a bit disingenuous, but it’s called feeling some sympathy toward others. I always look at it as a “there but for the Grace of God go I” phenomenon. What if I were not so lucky as to have a job and a home and a family? Wouldn’t I cry out for help, too? I would. I’d be asking you to buy my books, even if the books didn’t interest you or you thought they stank up the place. I believe what you are experiencing with CJ is the cacophony of a cry for help. It can hurt the ears, indeed, but one way to alleviate it may be to give them a big hug, some tea and sympathy. Hope that helps, Papabear
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Papabear,
Hello, I am 32 from Elmira, NY and I have been in the fandom for almost 20 years in one way or another.. recently I attended my first con which was Anthrocon, and since then I have been feeling lonely in the fandom. I think it might have been that I actually got to see how many furs are actually out there. anyways my town is medium in size and I have been trying to find other furs in my area but has come to nothing, I have tried all avenues I could think of putting a post on different local boards, Craigslist and the such. I have met other furs in surrounding areas online but with no way for me to get around there is really no way to actually get together with these furs. Anyways my question is, “Could you suggest any other way I might be able to reach out and find other ways to find furs in my area?” A NY Fur (age 32) * * * Hi, NY, I get this question quite a lot, actually: how does a furry connect with other furries when they live in an isolated berg with no one else around? I can sympathize a little bit in that there is only one other furry in my neck of the woods—the Coachella Valley—and I have to travel to Riverside or San Diego or Garden Grove to meet with furries. Helps to have a car, of course, and if you have no means of transportation you’re kind of screwed. If there aren’t any close-by furries and you have no transportation to meet those farther away, and no one is willing to come to you, then the only remaining option (until someone invents a Star Trek transporter) is the virtual world. Have you tried SecondLife? Many furries are on SL and there are entire areas of SL devoted to furries as hang out places. SecondLife is still very popular with furries, although the enthusiasm seems to be dying down a bit, according to articles like this one. There are some other virtual games, such as InWorldz and OnVerse but I don’t really know much about them. The next question is this: how necessary is it for you to stay in Small Isolated Town? If you have to stay there for financial reasons, then, again, you’re pretty much stuck. However, if moving is a possibility, and if it’s important for you to get social interaction with furries, then how about moving as an option? Sometimes, we get really set in our ways and it doesn’t even occur to us that we can get off our duffs and move to another city. Good luck! Papabear Papabear,
As I have been seeing the last few years since my last con in July 2011 which was my latest interaction with furs. I tried rejoining the local fur group here and not knowing till maybe 1-3 months later I couldn't post on the SEFF [Southeast Florida Furs] FA page. OK, so I asked one of the heads about it and he said that there were some complaints from some furs, not saying who they were and what the complaints were about because they were "confidential." Since then I have only really known one fur locally from another fur group I was in since 1998. I try to hang out with him or plan something and all I get from him is, "I'm working that weekend/day/night." So my question is, "Is he avoiding me?" Now, about getting together with others on the other hand: What do you suggest? Ace (age 32) * * * Dear Ace, With any group dynamic, there is inevitably social politics, drama, cliques, and all that bogus crap you may have naively believed would end after high school but still continues with “adults” your age. I have experienced this in everything from business (departments fighting with each other), to nonprofits (favoritism and shunning at a certain zoo I once volunteered at), to the gay community (the infamous A vs. B list of gay men in pretty much any community, mostly having to do with how much money you earn, how you dress, and who you know—you know, the things that really matter to people who are shallow douchebags). Once “rumors” or “whispers” behind your back start to develop in a group, whatever group that might be, you’re usually toast at that point. People will glomp onto the popular furs in a group, believing whatever they say just to not be rejected, and accept whatever they say negative about a particular person. That’s one possibility. There are other possibilities, but this is all speculation, since I don’t know everything about your situation. If you have made the effort to mend fences only to be rejected, then what you can do is try to form your own furry group. Stop being a follower and joiner and, instead, become a leader in your area. Invite furries to your home, organize activities, etc. You might find that there are other furries in your area who have also felt rejected by the established group there and that would be happy to join you. Create your own Facebook page and Meetup page and publicize the hell out of your new group. When people ask to join, be welcoming and friendly and helpful. There is always a need for new furry groups; I am constantly hearing from furries like you who can’t find a group nearby or, sometimes, who don’t feel the local group is very welcoming (sad, but true). Sometimes in life the only way to get what you want is to take charge yourself, make your own rules, and lead the pack instead of being an omega wolf. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I suppose I do have a rather silly question, but I am desperate for advice. So, my question is, How does one make friends? It's an idiotic question I know, but honestly I'm terrible at it. I've tried, I really have, but it just never works out. I probably come off as an idiot most of the time. I am sort of new to this, I've been in the online furry community for a couple of months and it's just hard to not have made any friends yet. But I'm equally awful at it in real life, too. I just wish I knew what I am doing wrong. I'm okay with talking to people, but I never get it passed that random 5 minute conversation and then it’s over. So, mainly, how do I get it passed that point? Sorry to waste your time with my question, I'm sure you have better ones than mine to get to. But I saw, I guess it was an ad, on FurAffinity.com and I thought I would give it a shot. Thank you for your time. I hope I was clear enough. I didn't want to bore you with a long letter, so I tried to keep it short. Galileo * * * Dear Galileo, It’s not at all an idiotic question. If there are two main things that people want in life it is someone to love and friends to share their lives with. Most of the letters I receive are about one or the other. Judging by your letter, I think I have an idea why you have such a hard time making friends: you lack self-confidence and self-respect. Your letter is filled with self-deprecation: you call yourself an idiot, you feel you’re wasting my time and that your question is silly and that you may be boring me. In short, you feel unworthy of friendship, don’t you, at some level? If you came up to me at a furry party and behaved in this manner, I would probably lose interest, too. Things that attract people to other people are characteristics such as: having interesting things to say (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run away from people trying to talk to me online who have nothing to say and want me to carry the conversation because they are “bored”; if you are a boring person, you will be boring to others, too), being interested in other people and who they are and what they think (they have to meet you half way and actually have some thoughts in their noggins), being self-confident, knowing who you are, NOT being whiny or complaining all the time, being fun, having a good sense of humor, being compassionate and empathetic. Above all, do not act desperate (“Would you be my friend, please???” Eeek! A stalker!) It’s great you have the courage to walk up to strangers at a social function and introduce yourself; that is the first hurdle, and many shy people don’t even get that far. But then you have to carry the conversation. Two things you will need for this: 1) have something to say (it helps a lot if you are well-read, well-rounded person with experiences to share); and 2) be interested in what others have to say and be curious about their lives, as well. That is the second step. The third step is establishing a friendship, which means that once you get people interested in you as a person you need to spend time with them doing things you and they both enjoy. The more experiences you share, the more conversations you have, the more you will bond to the other person. Once a friendship starts to take hold, whether or not it will survive depends upon the character of the people involved. As you know, there are a couple types of friends: fair-weather friends who only hang with you during the good times but quickly abandon you if you need their help for anything; user “friends” who only glomp onto you because they want something from you; and true-blue friends, who are the rarest of all. These are the people who love you for you and will be there for you when you need them, and who you will gladly help out in return. They are the friends who will walk up the side of Mt. Doom with you. Lucky is that person who needs two paws to count all the true friends in his or her life; blessed is that person who also needs to count toes. I hope these words of advice help steer you in the right direction. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm having a problem which is leaving me feeling pretty down and depressed and I'm not sure what to do about it. Also just a warning this letter might be somewhat jumbled as I’m bad with words. Basically, I’m lonely, not just for a relationship but for any form of social interaction in general. After high school I pretty much lost contact with all of my friends; my only one left is my best friend but with her job and her going to college we barely get to hang out. Honestly, most of my friends are online, but I've also been losing them as well. Over half the people on my Skype I barely see anymore. I want to meet new people and make new friends and even maybe one day find that special someone, but I’m just not sure how to go about it. I am in every sense of the word .... a shut in. I don't like leaving my home that often. Usually, I only leave if its a necessity or if a friend invites me over, and with the latter barely being an option I don't go out and do things. I have only left my house once for a job interview in the past two months. I've read some similar letters you've answered and I recall you recommending to go out and get hobbies etc., but I don't have any hobbies or interests that could get me out of my house. The only thing I could think of is a small fur meet that goes on in my town once a month, but I've been too nervous to go because 1) I have severe social anxiety; 2) I don't know how to approach anyone there since I wouldn't know anyone and I would be kinda embarrassed to just pop up out of nowhere. Sorry if this letter was kind of unorganized and I hope answering this wont be too much trouble or a bother to you, and thank you for taking the time to read my letter. From Ati * * * Hi, Ati, The solution to your problem is to overcome your social anxiety. No social anxiety, no blockade against meeting people, and once you are able to meet people you will make friends, and once you make friends, your loneliness will be gone. There’s a difference between just being shy and having social anxiety—it’s a difference of degree, really. People who are merely shy can generally function in society, though timidly, while those with debilitating social anxiety find that it profoundly affects their ability to have a normal life. If you are spending most of your life “shut in” your home it will make it hard, if not impossible, to hold down a job, go to school, or have friends and loved ones in your life. And it sounds like a problem that is growing worse for you, given your statement that you had friends in high school but now are becoming more and more disconnected. Some people believe that the advent of the Internet and social networks can be the solution for social anxiety because you can interact safely through a keyboard or webcam. But, as you are discovering, this notion is fallacious. As you become more disengaged from life (you have no hobbies or interests because you are not interacting with the real world around you and, thus, become remote from it, intellectually and spiritually) you have less and less to talk about. People, quite frankly, will find you boring and uninteresting to interact with. This explains why you are losing friends and contacts. Papabear is finding this an increasing problem in the furry world, and, likely, the rest of American society as well. I’ve lost count of how many text conversations I’ve had like this: Furry: hi Papabear: hello Furry: how are you? Papabear: I’m fine, thanks. Furry: what are you doing? Papabear: I’m working, how about you? Furry: chillin Papabear: Great. Did you want something? Furry: just to chat Papabear: Okay, what do you want to chat about? Furry: I dunno Papabear: Well, I better get back to work then Furry: Don’t go I want to talk Papabear: Sure, what about? Furry: dunno Papabear: (making an excuse) Oh, gtg, my boss is calling me. Bye! If this sounds like you, then maybe you can see the problem. It’s not fun to talk to someone with nothing going on in his head. The way to do that is to get involved with your life, so here are some things you can do to overcome your anxiety:
There is nothing more dull and isolating than being a hermit. Interacting with people is how you learn things, and when you learn stuff you gain an interest in this incredible world around you that is filled with fascinating, wondrous things to get excited about, and when that happens, you will have begun to live again, and part of living is finding friends and falling in love. It’s all interconnected, Ati, but you have to take the first step. Hugs, Papabear Hi, Papa Bear,
I happened to discover your column not to long ago by a happy accident. Sadly, I can't exactly recall how. If I remember correctly, I believe that I clicked on an advertisement. Anyhow, I'll start on why I'm writing to you. I am a 17 year old Furry who has been feeling particularly lonely in the fandom lately. I joined the fandom when I was 15 and have felt a growing since of lonesomeness ever since. This is most likely caused by my choice to keep my mother in the dark about the fandom. She is a very supportive, strong mother and incredibly loving. It's just that I have a fear that she'll do a quick Google (regular or images) search of "Furry" and find some of the unpleasant material that exists in the fandom rather than all the good things. Also, I attended a small, local anime convention not too long ago with some friends. My mother's reaction was one of confusion but she let me go anyway. So, I think that she would be even more confused by the whole Furry fandom. Thus, I've decided to wait until I'm in college to start attending any conventions or meet-ups. Because of this, I've only limited my interaction in the fandom to FA. I do have one close friend who I know from school that is a Furry as well. Sadly, she isn't into the Furry fandom as much as I am. I say this because she rarely goes on FA (as she's told me in the past) and almost ever posts anything. Don't get me wrong. I know that the fandom isn't exactly for everybody. It's just that I feel rather lonely. FA may be my only connection to the Furry fandom, but it hasn't come without some issues. The closest that I've gotten to making a furfriend is when I comforted someone who's dog had just recently died. I didn’t expect anything to come out of it. I only saw someone hurting and decided to help. We had quite a conversation and he even followed me afterwards which surprised me. Also, on FA, every chance that I've taken to put myself out in the fandom hasn't exactly resulted in much. I've left as of now: 270 comments, since I joined FA from just under a year ago, on journals and art alike. However, I've only gotten a handful of responses, even to those in which I wrote lines upon lines of support and advice. I've also posted a few writing pieces (12) since my talents lean more towards writing rather than drawing. Sadly, for the most part, they've mostly gone unnoticed. The worst part about being on FA is seeing all of the other Furries who ARE participating in the fandom. I see the pictures of newly purchased fursuits, I find art that has at least twenty or more comments and I read journals upon journals of people discussing their upcoming trips with friends to whatever next convention is coming. I can't help but feel like an outcast sometimes by seeing all of these people and the happiness in the fandom. I know that sounds selfish, but it's true. I'm angry at myself for even being jealous of another human being's achievements and creations. But I can't help but compare everything that they have and the very little that I have. I'm constantly find myself in a fight between trying to keep trying to put myself out there and just quitting. I tell myself "Just wait until you go to a convention" or even "They'd like you if they just met you in person." But the truth is, that I don't know what to believe. All I know is that I feel alone. So my question is: what do you think that I should do? Should I keep waiting until I get to go to a convention some day? Should I continue to write and post comments on FA? I ask this because I don't know an answer. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone. Sorry if I rambled in my letter. I'm just so melancholy right now. Thanks. Anonymous (age 17, California) * * * Dear Anonymous, First thing that strikes me is that FurAffinity (FA) is not the only furry site out there by any means. I hope you don’t think that is the only place you can go for furry interactions? There are many many other sites, too many to list here, but among the others are SoFurry, Furry4Life, FurNation, Furtopia, FurryMuck, and the many groups on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter. So, just so you know there are other options. Next, I think you’re overly concerned about your mom’s reaction. As you say, she is a loving and supportive and strong parent. I think that, instead of waiting for college, you should invite your mom to go to a furry convention with you. That is a super way of educating her and showing her it is not a Bacchanalia of perversion, but, rather, just like many other conventions, a fun place to gather and share interests with others. Now, you are in California, but you don’t say where exactly. If you are in southern California, you can attend Califur in Irvine (L.A. area) March 30-June 1. If you are in northern California, go to FurtherConfusion in San Jose in January. I understand wanting to get some attention in the fandom. It’s not that you are an attention whore, so to speak, but you simply wish to gain a connection with other furries. No shame in that. I don’t know what you are posting, exactly, in terms of stories, comments, etc., so I can’t say if you are doing anything wrong, per se. The thing is, before you can expect to get reactions back, people need to know who you are. Don't put the cart before the horse. Try to join smaller interest groups on places like Facebook and Furry4Life where you can meet and become familiar with people who share your specific interests (e.g., mine would be things like bears, wildlife conservation, greymuzzles, and fursuiting). Then try to find furries close to you whom you can meet in person at furmeets. All these things will help you find and build friendships among the furry kith and kin. I think you see where I am going with this. I’m thinking your problem might be that you are too generalized in your approach and you need to be more targeted. Also, you need some real-life exposure to the fandom. Remember, many furries are rather shy and slow to form friendships. You can’t just post comments on FA and expect to become the talk of the town. Have patience, and don’t give up on the fandom just yet! Hugs, Papabear Hey PapaBear,
I have really enjoyed your advice columns they have let me think about other people' problems and how I would respond to them, and they have also helped me in some of my question area's. (Notably, the creative writer's one!) They really let me think and help me with some of my fandom-ish problems*. Now I'd like to leave my cards on the table. I live in a small town, middle of nowhere, so I can't be drawn into a city-type environment, so maybe that affects me more than I think, but I feel at a loose disconnect with the fandom. I've done many thinks a beginner furry might do: I've built my own tail (best thing I've made out of art class, hehe), and I've written stories (sadly, not one of them are truly completed, drifted off them.) My cousin is also a furry, and I enjoy doing little fursona for my friends. I just have the problem of not really be able to connect to my thoughts (my cousin live a nice time away). I love to read a books, once I'm in it I just can't it it down. I consider myself a teacher pet (Ha Pun), but no one really thinks like I do, well, fandom related, I guess. Sorry for trailing off a bit. Thanks, Failaria Talerum FT (age 15) *Being accepted by the ones around me because I'm a furry. * * * Hi, Failaria, It sounds like you’re asking how to better connect to furries. Unfortunately, you don’t provide your location, so I can’t research your area to see if there are furry groups close to you or not. Yours is a pretty common problem that I have seen before: furries living in rural or other remote areas who have a hard time getting to furcons or furmeets. Also, since you are only 15, you can’t drive anywhere yourself—although if you could hook up with some nearby furries you might carpool somewhere. While it is always preferred in social interactions to have real-life contact, in those situations where that is not possible we are fortunate enough to live in a technological age where we can connect online. I would recommend you search on Facebook for furries with your interests and see if you can make some friends there. Also, Furry4Life is great because they have interest groups all set up for you. For example, I belong to Greymuzzle, Bear, and Fursuiting groups on F4L. You say you made a tail and, I suppose, you might be interested in doing more than that? Join a fursuiting and fursuit makers groups, which would be a super way for you to get tips about making fursuits and accessories and making new friends. But the king of furtual reality is Second Life. Yes, there are other virtual communities (InWorldz at http://inworldz.com/ is very similar, I understand), but I think SL is probably the best known and most popular virtual reality hang out for furries. Here, you can buy and customize furry avatars, go to furry clubs, even buy real estate and set up a business using the Linden Dollars currency. I used to hang out in SL a lot, but haven’t in years because my RL became so busy, but if you are desperately seeking some social connection with furries and have the time and a computer with a decent Internet connection, then Second Life might be just the thing for you. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papa Bear, I wanted to ask you about advice for talking and relating with other furries. You see, this year is my first time going to Anthrocon. The problem is that I'm going alone since none of my friends are furries and are not interested in going. I was hoping to try to become friends with fellow furries that I'll meet, but I have to deal with my AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder), so it's going to be EXTREMELY hard trying to talk to other people. So please give me some advice. Sincerely, Lyroe The Elk (age 21) * * * Dear Lyroe, I’m sure that you are well aware of what AvPD is, but for my other readers, a quick summary: unlike a condition such as autism, AvPD is not an illness; it is not a psychological disorder per se; there is nothing wrong with your hormones or your nervous system. To me, then, it is simply a label that the psychology community has come up with to describe a very very very shy person. The good news is that this makes it eminently easier to treat because it is a learned behavior. You have gotten yourself into an infinite loop of thinking that reinforces negativity about yourself. So, the thing to do is to break out of the loop by adding subroutines that lead you out of the mind trap in which you have found yourself. A good introductory article I found on the topic was written by Eduard Ezeanu (http://www.peopleskillsdecoded.com/avoidant-personality-disorder/). He describes three ways to help yourself with AvPD: 1) Challenging and changing dysfunctional thinking. People with avoidant personality disorder tend to have a lot of limiting beliefs, plus an unrealistic view of social standards and of themselves. These need to be corrected by consciously changing the way they think. By planning on a trip to Anthrocon, you are kind of plunging yourself into the fire. Rather than working on step 2 gradually, you will likely be overwhelmed. Literally thousands of furries will be surrounding you. It really would have been far better for you to start with a small furmeet and then work your way gradually up to an event that is literally the biggest furry convention on the planet.
You only have a few months until AC. You might try preparing yourself by reading Marin Kantor’s The Essential Guide to Overcoming Avoidant Personality Disorder. There is no magic potion or sage words of advice that I can provide you that will prepare you adequately for AC in this short column. AvPD is overcome over time and with a lot of effort on your part. Since you already know what AvPD is, your probably know this, as well. I suppose the best advice I can give you at this point is try to not overwhelm yourself with what you will see at AC. Almost 5,600 furries attended the Pittsburgh convention in 2013, and that number is almost certain to grow this year. Just being in the lobby with so many people is going to stress you out. So, as much as possible, try to take your furry exposure in small doses. In the meantime, try reading as much as possible on AvPD and working on changing your thinking and improving your people skills. Hope this helps, at least a little bit. Take care, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I stumbled upon your site a couple of weeks ago and have spent hours reading all your letters. I don't typically read advice columns, but your responses drew me in not only because of the care and compassion in your advice, but also the practicality. It was that particular mix of qualities that finally convinced me to try writing you. I'm what I would describe as "painfully shy." I've had social anxiety my entire life. It seems like other shy people are able to somehow step out of themselves online, and are able to socialize and make friends without the hang-ups they feel in real life. I've never been able to do this; I've always felt the same nervousness online as I do in real social situations. As I've gotten older, it's gotten far worse. When I was younger, I was able to join a few newsgroups and forums and make some online friends. However, we all drifted away, as online friends tend to do, to the point where I've become a virtual hermit. But I miss having people to talk to online, particularly furry friends. I haven't gone to a furry con in almost ten years, since they're mainly social events and I don't know anyone anymore. But every time I try to join a furry website, my anxiety ratchets up to such an extreme level, it just seems easier to go back to browsing Tumblr than actually putting myself out there. I found an IRC browser client to connect to Furnet, but wasn't brave enough to even go into any of the channels. It feels like everyone already knows each other and I'm too scared to try to break into the clique, because I have the mother from Carrie inside my head, screaming "They're all going to laugh at you!" It took me a few weeks to work up the nerve to even write this letter! Do you have any advice for how I can manage my anxiety enough that I can actually function socially online? Or maybe recommend a friendly, non-intimidating place to start? Thanks for taking the time to read my letter! I hope you have a wonderful new year! Ami Mouse * * * Hi, Ami, I know exactly how you feel because I myself am an extremely shy person. I went through school and college mostly trying to make myself unnoticeable by other people because I was so self-conscious about things like being fair-skinned (a crime punishable by death, apparently, when growing up in Southern California in the 1970s). People would make fun of me all the time, calling me “Caspar the Friendly Ghost.” I was also no good at sports and would get bullied a lot. People would even make fun of me for being smart. It seemed like nothing I did was right (speech class was a nightmare that almost made me wet myself); the person I was was just not acceptable to society. In some ways, even as an adult, I have faced this. I have been called a “furvert” because I’m a furry, and I’ve had people yell out of cars as they drove by, calling me a “faggot.” Even with this column, although the majority of people writing to me have complimented my work (and thanks so much for your kind words; you don’t know how much they help), I still get people criticizing me, even hating me to the point it makes me cry. Eventually, though, I get over it, realizing that a lot of people in my life love and respect me, so why should I be so concerned about someone who doesn’t even know me. I am a lot better now than I was, and I’ll tell you how I got here, so that maybe my experience might help you. One of the first things that helped me out of my shell was the mime troupe that Reverend John Powers organized at my college chapel and that my now-ex introduced me to. Yes, I was a mime! LOL. But it really helped me a lot to perform in front of other people wearing white-face and not having to speak. The next big thing that really really helped me was being a volunteer at the Detroit Zoo and then Potter Park Zoo. Because I really cared about animals and the docent classes taught me a lot about them, the fear of speaking in public in front of children, teens, and adults alike melted away because I was doing something I was passionate about. Being a docent is really what cured me of my anxiety about speaking in public (a common fear among many people). Then, a third experience that has helped me is fursuiting. Sort of a combination of mime and acting, fursuiting allowed me to do something I could never do before (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEuRpX9GRj8). Performance techniques and doing something I really believe in are the two ways I myself have overcome much of my social anxiety. Also, when you do things like this, it really helps you to make friends because you will inevitably meet other people who share your passions, and they will often become your friends. The reason, as you observed, that a lot of people overcome their shyness on the Internet—especially if they adopt a cover such as a fursona—is the same reason actors overcome their shyness: they are able to protect their fragile egos by wearing the masks of their alter egos. But this technique doesn’t seem to be working well in your case. The key here is to try to get over being self-conscious and focusing too much on yourself and the idea that people are staring at you and judging you all the time. The truth is, most other people around you are doing the same thing: they are thinking about themselves and what other people think of them. Therefore, if you realize this, you might conclude that most people are not spending their time judging you because they are too busy worrying about others judging them. There are a lot of other techniques you can look into that can help you overcome shyness. I was going to type them out here, but I discovered a wonderful article you should read that I think does a better job than I could: http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/20-ways-to-attack-shyness/. The thing to remember is that you are a unique and valuable person who has talents and abilities that can contribute to the world. Human beings need to stop spending so much time judging others and, instead, maybe focus on improving who they themselves are. Your shyness is born out of the worry over what other people think of you. When you realize that other people either are too focused on themselves to spend time judging you or that those who do judge you usually do so because they are petty and narrow-minded and not worth your respect, you can get over much of the anxiety you’re experiencing. What’s even better is that once you get over worrying about other people’s opinions, it will help you notice the people who are not jerks, the ones who are what I call “good friend material.” There are a lot of them out there, but you have to get over that shyness to meet them. I hope that the above, including the link, will help you do that. Once you start to find a few friends (and there are a lot of furries in your boat—a lot of people are new to the fandom, which is growing by leaps and hounds ... er, bounds) it will be easier to interact more at things like furmeets and cons. I remember my first Prancing Skiltaire party. I felt, like you do, that everyone already knew everyone, but it helped me tremendously because my dear bear friend Cyberbear took me there, so I had someone to talk to and introduce me around a bit. May you find a friend like that in your life soon! Good luck, and Happy New Year! Papabear P.S. So, dear readers, would any of you care to share your experiences? I know a lot of you have probably been in the same boat as Ami here. How did you get over your shyness? P.P.S. (Jan 2) I just read this interesting article about stage fright. It suggests an alternative approach to overcoming stage fright. Papabear,
I want to go to a furmeet, but when I asked my parents, they were worried about stranger danger due to problems with my vision, lack of physical strength, and trouble interpreting social cues. I used "furry convention" instead of "furmeet" because I thought that if I'd said "furmeet" they'd worry that I wanted to meet a fur I'd been talking to online (the online communication was discovered and ended long before I asked my parents about going to a furmeet). Other than "if you're worried about my safety, you can be my chaperone" and "I've taken self-defense classes" I can't come up with any convincing arguments. Do you have any? The reason I'm telling you this is because I'm uncomfortable bringing it up with my parents. Alec (age 18) * * * Dear Alec, Thanks for writing. Sounds like you might have some physical problems and mild autism? I can understand why your parents might be concerned. Since you are physically weak, as you say, yeah, I don’t think the “I’ve taken self-defense classes” would work, plus it implies that you might think there would be a reason you’d have to take such classes. On the other paw, having one or both parents chaperone is not a bad idea at all, and, if you haven’t suggested it already, you might give that a try. As an alternative, do you have any friends or other relatives your parents trust who would go with you to a furmeet? That would work just as well as one of your parents going. My question to you would be: what do you do in other situations where there is social interaction with people your age at a party. Do your parents trust you to do things independently and, if so, why wouldn’t they trust you with a furmeet? It’s not really a con, but if you don’t like the word “meet” try “party.” Why treat a furmeet differently from any other social gathering? I also suggest that before going to a meet like this, you have some of your furry friends come by the house and meet with you and your parents. You see, your parents are nervous because they don’t know any of the people you are about to see at the meet, yes? But if they actually knew them and met them, and came to know them as your friends not just strangers at a party, then they would get to know and trust them. If your parents are comfortable with your being a furry, surely this would not be a problem. Once they know you are just going to hang out with furries you already know and perhaps meet a few new ones, they should be more comfortable with the idea. Understand, Alec, that your parents are only concerned about your welfare. It’s not about not trusting you, it’s about your safety. Try the suggestions above to get them to feel better that you will be safe and you stand a better chance of going and having a good time. Hugs, Papabear |
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